November 3, 2010
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Helpless… right where I am suppose to be?
I have been feeling rather clueless for that last couple of months. Have you ever thought you had it all together but then something happens and you begin to question things you have done for years? Doug and I have spent a lot of time on our knees praying, going to seminars, reading books on how to raise our children. And all the while knowing we were not perfect, but thought we were doing an okay job. Then WHAMMY! The poop hits the fan and we are left starring dumbfounded with poop all over our faces. A situation with one of children just recently did that to us. We were left wondering what we had done wrong, what we had missed, and where in the world do we go from here. Crazy as it sounds, though we have been in great emotional pain lately, there has been an odd grace. Not that we are feeling great, but at least we are feeling as though we might survive.
I have always planned on letting go of my children. I have even looked forward to launching them into their adult lives excited to see what God had in store for them. I did not expect the ‘letting go’ to sneak up on me so fast. I did not expect my child to want things that we did not think he was ready to handle. I did not expect to have a constant fear of losing my child now permanently instilled in my heart. I confess, there have been times when I have felt entirely helpless. I did not know whom to talk to or what to even say. I knew that no matter what choice we made we would be criticized by ‘well meaning’ friends and family. But what was most important to me, what was imperative was that I needed to keep my son’s heart. I did not want to lose him! Whatever I needed to do in order to keep his heart, I was going to do it.
It does amaze me though, that if someone else would give me the scenario of what has gone on in my house the last couple months, I would have told them to SIT on their child. Take everything away and give him no room to breathe. I completely believe that I would have lost my son forever had I done that and in the process one of my other five children as well. So, for now we are taking it a day at a time, taking a deep breath every time there is a new situation or problem or poor communication. We are trying to give our children back to God minute by minute if necessary… and their have been days it is necessary.
There is a peace that God has already been here… that He knows where we are headed. I just have this prayer that my children will not have the pain and ‘baggage’ that I have had due to my poor choices. But in the end it is their choice… and I will meet them on the other side!
Blessing to all of you!!
Cari
Comments (5)
You can only train them the best you can. Ultimatly they are responsible for thier own decisions and will have to give an account of that before God.
Love the name you picked for this!! It’s great!
My dear new friend! I can write a book!! Reading your new blog and seeing that one of your first blogs is on what I too am going thru was a cup of refreshing water! The stories we can probably swap!
Beth was one of my first Xanga buddies. And I love her to death! <3 I look forward to getting to know you.
My one and only child is an 11 month old baby girl and even so young I am already seeing some of her strong will (which I am afraid she gets from her mom). I pray with her every night for her salvation at an early age, for her to give her life to Christ all her days and that God will keep her safe. I know I can only leave her in God’s hands which is the safest place to be, but I still fear the same things as you. I try constantly to just trust God.
For years, YEARS, we’ve been heartbroken over choices one of children made. And yes, we lost that child for a bit, truly lost her. How do you balance your Christian values with their unbelief, their obviously UN-Christian choices? During our retreat last month, I listened to a Franklin Jentzen sermon and he said something that struck me to the core: the important thing is that your child knows you love him. There is no greater Christian testimony than love. He urged parents who had lost contact to reach out, tell them you love them. I felt such peace for the first time in ten years.
I didn’t make those choices. I don’t have to like the choices, or the consequences. All I am called to do is to LOVE her. And I do. Not judge her, not decide what her punishment ought to be (this is a grown child,not an at home child). Just LOVE. That I can do.
So, I do not actually believe it is likely to work.
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